


In You, I Place No Blame

by GhostiesandGhoulies



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst and Tragedy, Character Death, Depression, Established Relationship, Eventual Happy Ending, Everyone Needs A Hug, Female Hange Zoë, Ghost Eren Yeager, Guilt, Levi/Eren Yeager-centric, M/M, Potential triggers?, Regret, Reunited and It Feels So Good, Sad Eren Yeager, Sad Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Sad with a Happy Ending, The Author Regrets Everything, The Author Regrets Nothing, Tragic Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-02
Updated: 2019-02-02
Packaged: 2019-10-21 05:47:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17637086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GhostiesandGhoulies/pseuds/GhostiesandGhoulies
Summary: In wake of his tragic demise, Eren lingers as a spirit and tries desperately to get his final message across to Levi - that what happened wasn't his fault. Yet as fate would have it, Levi does not hear him no matter how he tries. So he resigns himself to staying around as the other struggles to find the will to go on, never giving up on trying to get his words across.





	In You, I Place No Blame

**Author's Note:**

> So this sad little mess began with the release of Adele's song Hello. For some reason it brought up this mental image that I developed into a story, but I had never finished it. I have now (almost four years later holy shit).
> 
> But this story is probably not the best idea if you're already feeling down? Like it has a happy ending but it's still pretty miserable, I won't lie.

His body felt lighter than he thought it should. Eren noticed the slight change almost immediately. He pried open his eyes to find himself laying on his bed. He sat up with a puzzled expression, "Why am I down here..?"

The brunette wracked his brain, searching for his last memory - being pursued by Titans and then… nothing. He peered around the room, absently noting the tidiness of everything. His Captain must've seen how cluttered things were getting.

Intent on finding someone to help jog his memory, Eren left the room and started up the stairs into the main hallway. The absence of people in the usually bustling halls was unsettling. It was far too quiet on base, just what was going on?

Mystified as he was, Eren continued on, heading up to the second level to see if perhaps Captain Levi was in his office. If anyone was going to directly tell him what had happened, it would be his lover. He entered the room quietly, surprised to find the short man sitting at his desk doing absolutely nothing.

His brow furrowed in confusion, "..Sir?"

Levi continued to sit there as though he hadn't heard him, staring absently at the space in front of him. There were dozens of emotions flickering in his eyes, but one stood out from the others - guilt.

Eren got a bit frustrated with the lack of response, and decided to try again. "Levi, where is everyone..? It's so quiet on base, did they go on another mission? I don't remember what happened on the last one and was hoping you could tell me."

Again there came no response from the raven haired man. He just merely continued to sit in absolute silence.

Despite his rising frustration, Eren took the quiet moment to further observe his superior. He was looking quite haggard compared to how he normally was. His hair was a bit disheveled and even looked a tad oily. The bags under his eyes spoke of a few restless nights, his deadened eyes themselves seemed to suggest he was preoccupied with thought. Eren could clearly distinguish the early stages of what could become severe depression.

The door to the office opened to reveal an equally haggard looking Hanji. She entered quietly, which was highly unusual. "Levi," she called, "have you eaten anything recently? No one has really seen you around."

Oddly, Levi ignored her too.

"At least it's not just me," Eren muttered, "he did the same thing to me, Hanji."

The normally eccentric woman's shoulders sagged in defeat. "Please, Levi… Talk to me. This has been hard for all of us. But just sitting here in guilt isn't helping anything."

"You want me to talk?" The raven had suddenly broken his stretch of silence. His eyes were a turbulent storm of emotion. "Do you want me to tell you how it felt to have his body in my arms, knowing that I was the one who struck him down? Do you want me to explain the hollowness that comes with ending such a precious life!?"

Tears had appeared in Hanji's eyes, "No! But you need to talk about something! You're obviously depressed, I don't want you to be a suicide risk too! Eren wouldn't have wanted this!"

A chill ran down his spine at that statement. "W-What do you mean Hanji…?" He didn't like they way they seemed to be ignoring him.

Levi merely gave her a dangerous glare, "You don't get to speak on his behalf now that he's dead, you fucking bitch."

Eren sucked in a breath at that.

 _Dead_ …? It wasn't possible; surely they  _had_ to be messing with him. He must've done something wrong and was paying for it, that was all.

"H-Hey come on now," he stuttered uselessly, "I'm not d-dead… I'm right here."

Hanji looked as though she felt helpless, "..That's not what I'm trying to do and you know it, Levi. I just… You did what was necessary. He almost killed Mikasa and Jean… Hell, he  _did_ kill a few, but it would have been more if you hadn't stopped him." She wiped at her eyes, "I know Eren would've told you the same thing."

Levi had reassumed his despondent nature from before. "Leave, Hanji."

The hurt that reflected on her face was seen only by the reeling Eren. "I guess I'll come back in a few hours," she murmured weakly, leaving quickly shortly after. On her way out, she walked through him.

Eren was on the verge of hyperventilating. "This isn't happening," he whispered to himself over and over. Desperation was taking hold as he slammed his hands on his superior's desk, "Captain this isn't funny! Please tell me you can see me!"

Levi didn't react whatsoever.

"No… No.. I didn't really…" He thought back hard, trying to remember transforming. All he could remember was going on the mission, a sudden flurry of Titans and then nothing. His mind was absolutely blank after that.

The sound of a chair creaking caught his attention. He peered up to find his superior hunched over his desk, hands covering his face.

"I'm sorry, Eren…." came the low murmur.

His heart clenched at the sorrow and regret he could hear. "It's okay," he called back with a tearful gaze, "I don't blame you, Levi."

He sat there for hours, whispering the same words to the man. But his words went on deaf ears, never to be heard by the one who needed to hear it the most.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Eren was unaware of the passage of time, it seemed to lose relevance for him. He never strayed far from his superior's side, desperately trying to get his words through to the man.

Each day that his reassurances went unheard, was another knife in his heart. He could see the immense sorrow that Levi felt, even if others could not. He did not doubt the other's guilt about the matter for one could not fake such devastation.

Despite his failures, he did not give up. He came to realize that perhaps he could gain Levi's attention otherwise; whether it be by tapping on the walls, walking through him or even knocking a stack of papers off of his desk. They were subtle things he tried in hopes of being noticed. He had figured out early on that he would not being able to rest peacefully until he knew the Captain was aware that he bore no ill feelings towards him. Perhaps if that time came, when his message was received, he could finally join his family and fallen comrades.

If Levi had taken notice of any of his signs, then he didn't give any indication of such.

So gradually he began trying more aggressively to gain the man's attention. It was then he discovered of his energy limits. The more he had to focus on something, the more energy it used and the longer he would be weakened and unable to do anything.

It was a frustrating and seemingly endless cycle. As the days continued to pass, Eren grew more disheartened but still stubbornly kept at it. His spirit would not move on until his last message was received.

He let out a small sigh as he stood in front of his superior's desk. The man was actually working, if half heartedly. Eren approached a bit, looking on with remorse and sadness.

"If only you'd hear me," he murmured with a hint of exhaustion, "then we might both find some peace…" His tired form slumped into the chair nearby, "Hear me, Captain… please. I'm not mad, I forgive you… This… this was all my fault."

And it was, perhaps if he had a more tight control of his titan, he might still be alive. But he had lost his hold on things and hurt people. He had deserved death and nothing less.

The familiar feeling of helplessness overcame him once more. He curled up in the chair and sighed softly.

"I could never hate you, I love you too much."

They hadn't been together for very long and were still keeping things relatively under wraps as it was uncertain how outsiders would behold their relationship. Though he had made it to his nineteenth birthday, many has still viewed their resident shifter as a minor. Levi, being ten years older, had anticipated uproar should they be open about their relations. Eren hadn't cared, he had only known those intense feelings of affection for his superior. The flutter in his gut when he managed to coax that rare smile from the older male, the racing of his heart when those normally sharp silver eyes softened just for him. Age didn't matter, Levi had taken the utmost care of him and treated him with more love than he had ever imagined.

"It's my fault you're like this," he whispered in utter defeat. Despair weighed upon him heavily as he realized his efforts might be in vain. Maybe it was all for naught and his efforts would continue to fall on deaf ears.

Eren wiped at his face, sniffling as he did. "I can't give up now," he tried to tell himself, "not when you still have a chance. I have to try and get through to you somehow." His spirit somewhat lightened, he got up and face his lover with fragile determination. "I promise I'll keep trying to give you peace, Levi. I just hope I can get you to understand."

Levi continued working silently, obviously having no drive to do so.

"It's not your fault, one day I'll make you see that."

 

 

* * *

 

 

Eren observed the sullen man before him somberly. It was killing him to see Levi as a broken visage of who he once was. The Captain he had known would never have given up as the one he currently saw had. It was as though his death had been the final straw for the man.

He crouched in front of him, looking up into his deadened eyes. "Levi, please," he begged sadly, " _please_  hear me… I don't blame you for what you did. I understand why you did it." Tears stung at his eyes as he continued, "You saved more lives by killing me. So please…" He reached up to grasp one of the other's limp hands that lay in his lap, his ghostly appendages merely slipping through Levi's.

A sharp pang of sadness struck him as he let his hand fall. His tears fell as he recognized his failure, "I-I'm sorry, Levi."

The raven haired man jumped to life suddenly, looking around in an anxious manner. "What the hell..?"

Eren peered up at him warily, "Did you hear that? Can you hear me!?" He placed his hands on either of Levi's knees and looked at him imploringly, "Please tell me you heard that.."

Levi's normally narrowed gaze widened as he seemingly met his eyes.

"L-Levi?"

"This is fucking ridiculous.." the older muttered after a moment, "I need to sleep. There's no fucking way…"

His heart sunk once more as he slumped on the floor. A numb feeling overcame his senses when Levi passed through him. He wouldn't give up, but his inability to communicate hurt. He just wanted the officer to know he wasn't at fault.

"I'm sorry," he repeated, "this is my fault.." He was single handedly leading his superior down a path of self destruction and nothing had ever made him feel so remorseful.

Eren sat quietly on the floor for a while, ignoring the world around him. Until a familiar voice sounded.

"Levi? Clare said you needed me?"

He blinked and turned around to find the raven pacing slightly with a concerned Hanji looking on.

"Close that fucking door," he ordered absently.

The woman complied easily, eyeing up her friend cautiously. "Levi what's-"

"I just need you to listen because I think I'm going crazy," he said suddenly.

Hanji was silent for a moment, taken a bit blindsided by the declaration. "Okay, what's going on?"

He shifted, a bit unsure, "I.. think Eren is haunting me."

From the look on the researcher's face, that had been the last thing she had been expecting. "Okay…" she relented eventually, "what makes you think that?"

"It started small… Things being knocked over, knocks or sounds coming from the walls.. But then it escalated - I started feeling these.. Cold gusts of air. Every time I walked through them, it felt like the air was charged up somehow. But here recently I swear I've been  _hearing_ him."

Eren wanted to simultaneously cry and shout. He was glad all of his energy hadn't been wasted, but he was angry that Levi hadn't acknowledged it audibly, or so that he could tell.

"...Has he been saying anything in particular?" Hanji prodded gently. At least she understood the situation was delicate.

Levi ran a hand through his unkempt hair, "Mostly I hear faint apologies, or crying. He cries often and I don't know why."

"BECAUSE I CAN'T TELL IF YOU EVER SEE OR HEAR THE THINGS I DO," he shouted angrily.

The woman was silent for a long time, as though debating something. She bit at her lip absently, "Have you tried - I don't know - perhaps reassuring him or something?"

Her companion stared at her with evident annoyance.

"Hey, come on, give me something here. I.. don't really know how to approach this subject, Levi," she said earnestly. "I want to help you but I don't know how. I'm having a bit of a hard time believing this honestly, especially given how little you've been sleeping the past few weeks. Maybe you just need a long sleep, it might help?"

Eren was able to see the exact moment Levi began shutting her out during her little spiel. His eyes hardened and his stance shifted just so; he had put up a wall which was unlikely to let anyone in.

"Perhaps you're right," he said dismissively, turning his back to her.

He watched sadly as Hanji looked to the raven in utter defeat. She was giving up.

"Please don't," he begged, "not yet. You might still be able to get through to him. Please Hanji…"

Just as before, his words went on deaf ears.

"I'm sorry, Levi," was the last thing she said before leaving.

Hanji almost stopped coming to see him after that.

 

 

* * *

 

 

A lot of time had passed, that much Eren was sure. Surely it had been a year and still he had not managed to lift the guilt from his superior's shoulders.

"You hear me, but never the words you need to hear," he lamented. His bright eyes found that familiar form, ever perched wearily behind his desk. "You're losing yourself to grief, my love, you must move on from my failure."

He watched him for a while, sighing when the man didn't seem to react.

"I wish I could at least tell you hello, so you know you're not alone. I'd tell you hello from this other side, I'd tell you that I love you." He spoke for no other reason than to fill the silence that was tearing at his heart.

"You always were different, y'know? Everyone else was terrified of me and what I was, but you were there merely asking why the hell I wasn't shifting properly. Instead of making me fear being able to shift, you encouraged me to utilize it and help humanity. You helped me hate myself less, Levi. You helped me find my purpose, you gave me a will to fight after the hell that had arisen after my first shift. I think in the beginning you feared it some too, but then you just took it in stride and helped me do so too."

Eren smiled faintly. "I don't know if I ever got to tell you that. I told you I loved you a few times, and though you never said it back, I knew you loved me too. Your actions said it for you. That and your eyes, you can't hide the softness they take on sometimes, I saw it."

He paused and looked over at his lover, smile falling at the exhaustion that was present on his face. "I've seen you like this a couple of times," Eren said quietly, "I knew it meant you needed someone." Tears came to his eyes, "I wish I could be there for you now…"

With a small sigh, he resigned himself to keeping the Captain company, even if he went unseen and unheard.

 

 

* * *

 

 

"Levi? You sent for me?"

Eren blinked and beheld the Captain's office - a place he had grown quite familiar with both before and after death. Commander Erwin stood on the other side of the desk, looking worse for wear himself. He then turned his attention to the other man, feeling a familiar pang of remorse hit his gut. If he could ease the guilt he saw there, he would do it in a heartbeat.

"Yes," Levi replied lowly.

The tall blonde's brow furrowed as he seated himself, anticipating something bad. "Alright.. What is it?"

Eren immediately zeroed in on the raven's discomfort, what was he going to say?

"I am voluntarily requesting to go into retirement."

The room was deadly silent.

_No…. don't do this._

Erwin gaped at him in surprise, clearly shocked by his declaration. "..You.. what?" He took a moment to collect himself, gaze hardening as he looked to his underling. "Why?" It was no question.

The brunette sagged as he realized. "It's me," he whispered lowly, eyes filling with tears.

"Recent times should dictate why, Erwin," Levi said in a surprisingly level tone of voice. "I can no longer be trusted to keep these soldiers safe, as I single handedly killed one."

"Stop it," Eren begged in a broken voice, dropping to his knees in despair. If only he could get through, if only his words could be heard. The bitterness in his lover's voice tore him apart. Eren wasn't sure how long it had been, but seeing this man be just as tormented as the day it had happened was torture.

Commander Erwin's gaze narrowed, "That situation was entirely different and you know that. You wouldn't have done it in any other instance, Levi."

"Oh was it?" Came the challenging reply. "Are you in my head? How would you ever know? I might be a bigger danger to them than the fucking titans."

"...Stop it Levi…" he tried again weakly, tears leaking down his face.

Seeing he wasn't going to accomplish anything that way, Erwin tried another tactic. "So instead of being an invaluable soldier for this cause, you'd rather abandon everything we've worked so hard for, despite knowing what Eren would've wanted for you?"

The responding glare was withering.

"I am no fool, Captain, I know of your relations with him. I also know that he held you in high regard and seeing you collapse under the pressure of losing him would be his personal hell."

Eren nodded, instinctively reaching out to place his hand over his lover's, even though his fingers passed right through. "Listen to him," he begged, "please! You can't hear my words so hear Commander Erwin's! I hate seeing you like this."

Levi glanced to his suddenly cold hand, fingers twitching slightly. "I am no more use to you as I am Erwin, let someone else take over from my failures."

The lingering silence was heavy. Erwin's gaze hardened.

" _No_.. don't give up on him," Eren cried out, "not you too! Don't you see he's shutting everyone out!? He's going to lose himself completely! Please Commander! Don't give up like Hanji…"

"... You will have it no other way?"

"No." Came the sullen reply.

His heart shattered at the look in those silver eyes. His death had truly been the last straw, the last trauma the man could take. Eren broke into sobs. He was cursed to linger near his love while he had to bear witness to the internal trauma rotting Levi into an almost unrecognizable form.

Commander Erwin stood stiffly, "Very well, Captain. You are henceforth relieved of your title and requested to vacate the premises within three days time."

"Understood," Levi replied.

Eren covered his face in shame, sobs still wracking his translucent form. Everything was his fault. He really was a monster.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Eren could only watch with worn eyes as his once superior deteriorated right before him.

It wouldn't be much longer. Time and lack of self care had worn down the man's body. He ate little, if at all. His face was pale and drawn taut over his facial bones. It was a drastic change from the prestigious Captain he had been.

The change hurt his heart. "I've killed you," he whispered out in a long-suffered tone. "You ended my life, and now I've ended yours.. You can't save yourself now and I hate it. I hate what I've done to you."

"..." Levi was silent, staring into nothingness. His will to live had all but left him with the demise of his young love. The guilt of having struck down the person who cared for him most had destroyed him.

"I've tried for so long to get you to hear me," Eren continued aimlessly, pacing slowly. "I had hoped that maybe if you heard me, you'd be able to let yourself move on. The fault is all mine, Levi."

He wondered how much longer Levi would last. He had always anticipated that he'd be the first to die but he had wished for the man to live a long life after his passing. Though it was not to be.

"I've never blamed you, not once," he said.

While lost in his internal thoughts, Eren missed the sound of a soft inhale coming from the raven haired man.

"..Eren?"

He flinched and whipped around in surprise. Words left him as his lover stood from his chair and approached with a disbelieving expression. A pale hand reached out uncertainly, it was warm as it took his.

"You… C-Can you finally see me?" Eren questioned with a quivering lip. He shivered when one of those warm hands found his cheek, cupping it tenderly.

" _Eren_ ," Levi murmured softly. There were so many emotions in that single whisper of his name.

He broke into sobs, the strain of the past years having worn down his already exhausted spirit. The feeling of those strong arms at long last holding him again was beyond comforting, it was almost a sense of deliverance.

"You really were here…" Levi breathed with a pained expression.

Eren nodded, his arms clutching around the other's middle tightly. "I couldn't leave," he weeped, "not when you blamed yourself for something that was my f-fault."

Levi pulled away, his brow furrowed with confusion, "Your fault? Eren what-?"

He raised his tear stained face to reveal his tortured face, "I-If I hadn't lost control then you'd still be alive, we might've l-lived a long time together.. It's all m-my fault!"

The raven shook his head, "No, Eren. None of this has been your fault. I'm sorry if you've thought that for all of this time." He seemed ashamed, quickly connecting what had gone unsaid. "It wasn't your fault, Eren, you weren't responsible for my life choices after you were gone."

"Maybe not," he managed to say, "but I m-might've been able to help you if I had gotten through to you. I didn't blame you for doing what you did." Finally being able to say it, and have it heard was such a weight relieved from his shoulders. There came the sound of a familiar scoff, one that made his heart ache with the fond memories that unconsciously arose with it.

"I didn't die to join you here to bicker about blame, Eren. We both were wronged, we both hold some fault here and there."

Eren wept into Levi's shoulder, though it gave way to wet laughter as he processed what had been said. "Suppose we'll have to split the blame," he relented rather easily, pulling away with a thin smile. Really, he was so overcome with the sheer relief of being seen and held; it didn't allow him to linger on the issue too long.

Levi offered his own wane smile, "I suppose so, I doubt you'll let me take the blame for it, eh shitty brat?"

"Not a chance," he grouched. As he basked in his lover's presence, he realized exactly what this meant. But Eren couldn't find it in him to look upon the body, not yet. His heart ached at the solemnity of his realization.

"...How long were you here?" Levi asked softly, afraid of the answer. "How much time has passed that you were suffering alongside me?"

How long had it been? He wasn't even sure himself. "I don't know.. The first time I remember was the day Hanji came to coax you to talk to someone. I think it was a few days after the fact."

The older male looked so pained by that knowledge. "..I'm so sorry Eren. I heard you sometimes, but I had convinced myself at one point that it was merely my mind trying to cope with the grief of losing you."

"Nevermind it now," he said dismissively. His expression soured, "I'm still mad at you for just giving up on everything because of me though."

Levi huffed softly, "I had lost so much over the years, each loss gradually breaking me down. But I hadn't suffered such a deep personal loss in a long time. I.. was drowning in it. I couldn't find the fight in me to keep going."

On one hand, it was miserably sad to hear. Eren couldn't even imagine what dark emotions his love had suffered through. But on the other hand, he felt overwhelmed to learn that Levi had felt so deeply for him that he lost himself in grief. It was entirely bittersweet.

He reached up to brush the raven's bangs from his face. It was still novelty to be able to reach out and actually make contact without careful thought. "I wish I had been at your side longer, if our parting hadn't been on such dreadful terms… Things would've been very different."

Levi looked so peaceful, so unlike how he had for the past couple of years. The lines of exhaustion that had long plagued his face were gone. He looked so much younger, so much healthier.

"Maybe, but would we have been able to share times like this? Where neither of us fear being discovered, and are free from the burden of worrying about titans?" Levi grabbed his hand in a gentle hold, "Things may have ended very different, but I will always crave the freedom that I feel now. Being here with you at the end of so much regret has made all those dark days worth it."

Eren's lip trembled at the loving words, though he was determined not to cry anymore. "I'm glad that in a roundabout way, I was able to be there for you. I just wish you had known I was there."

"Perhaps part of me knew the whole time, yet I was intentionally blind to it," he murmured. "I didn't feel worthy of your presence if you were there, so I never let myself quite believe it."

He found he didn't have a response for that. Instead he leaned in and kissed the other's cheek. "You deserve the world," was what he settled for.

They stood quietly for awhile, merely revelling in the sheer relief their reunion brought.

Levi's gaze swept around curiously after a time. "Is this all there is to things? Are we both to linger here forever?"

Eren shook his head, "Don't you feel the pull? I'm not sure what it is calling us toward, but I've ignored it for a long time." He offered a playful smile, "I think I'm ready to see where it goes."

He returned the expression after a moment.

They were both ready to go, to forget the dreary world they had both departed. Yet the younger male couldn't quite shake a lingering question he had.

"What about your body?" Eren asked with a concerned glance, finally allowing himself to look.

Levi looked too and then shrugged after a moment, "Let it stay there. I've already faded into obscurity from those in the Survey Corps but someone will find it eventually."

The brunette sent him a scowl before approaching the now empty body of his love. With the absence of life, the body had fallen forward onto the desk but rested there peacefully. He concentrated and leaned forward to kiss his forehead.

A loud knock on the door sounded, startling him from focus. He frowned, "Now someone comes?"

"They couldn't have done anything," Levi reflected, "they tried and failed. I can't say I blame them for having stayed away."

Eren huffed and crossed his arms. All that time that they could have checked on their obviously unwell comrade, and no one had come. When his Captain had fallen, too weary to pull himself up, everyone had failed him by giving up. He couldn't help the bitter disappointment he felt towards his old friends. There was no way to excuse their behavior in his eyes, not when it had resulted in Levi deteriorating in depressing solitude.

"Levi? Can we come in?" It was Hanji and someone else.

Eren shared a significant look with his lover, who sighed in resignation at the spite he saw there.

Following the lead Eren had taken, he focused on the door and tried to unlatch the door. It took him awhile to accomplish, but it was something he needed to do. A last bit of regretful forgiveness towards those he had left behind. When he finished he turned back to the other male who was smiling sadly at him. Levi allowed himself a deep breath as he sidled up to him. "Now what do we do?"

Those brilliant eyes met his with an affectionate gaze. "I don't care, so long as I get to be with you."

They let themselves respond to the pull.

The world around them faded into white as Levi smirked and leaned in to kiss him.

 _You couldn't make me leave_ , Levi's thoughts seemed to echo in the expanding nothingness.

Eren smiled and kissed him harder,  _I love you._

The air seemed warm as a soft hum of amusement escaped the older male.

_And I love you, Eren._


End file.
